Some days are just hard. I really try to stay positive with my thoughts and actions, especially since my diagnosis, but some days I struggle. There are days when I ask God, "why me, why now?" I know that I'm placed on this journey for a purpose, and I will do my best to bring that purpose to life and to make change for anyone following in my path. But that still doesn't change those days when I question it all.
It hits me hard when I see people not caring at all about the food they eat, the vices they have, the activities they partake in, and they get to live without illness. I see the photos on Instagram of people enjoying every second of their life, out doing fun activities, just living care free. That used to be me, and I miss that girl.
I see people complaining on Facebook about the most inane things, and think to myself, "don't they know how trivial that is?" We never know unless we're put in a position to really reflect on what is important and what's not.
The feeling that your body is letting you down, and you are trying everything in your power to help it, is so hard. Every day is centered around healing my body. Every thought centers around that. The food I eat, the supplements I take, the IV's I get, the exercise (or none) that I do, the products we use, every single last thing. And I feel guilty for putting myself first in my thoughts.
I want to be here, to raise my beautiful daughter, so she never has to live life without her mama. And what scares me the most, is I don't know if that is part of God's plan. I hate that my daughter isn't getting the best version of me, like she should. I hate that I can't do everything other mom's can, for fear of getting sick, passing out, or who knows what.
When your 5 year old asks you, "mommy, when will you be all better?", it's so incredibly hard because I don't know. It's bigger than just a cold or flu that will pass as it should.
Deep down, I feel in my gut, that I will overcome this, and will show the world how it CAN be done.
But there is always that tiny speck of doubt. The uncertainty that is life.